Hi guys! This is a repost of something I wrote back in ’13 on the TSC blog.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Voldemort-type creatures, and all you lovely females who commute via broomstick, I’m about to tell you how I found the love of my life, or rather, how love found me.
On some days, you wake up and think it’s going to be business as usual or business as planned, but the universe cures you of your audacious thinking by slapping you in the face with its own superior plans. On one of such days, I went out with my cousins and on our way back home, my life changed. The cousins decided to stop and get Magic Crackers (I think that’s what they were called. They’re little pieces of gum that make sparking sounds as soon as you put them in your mouth). I quite enjoyed those, but then they got some other thing that I didn’t recognize; it looked like body cream on wafer cones. They seemed to like it a lot, but as a sharp girl, I decided to see if any of them developed a swollen stomach by the next morning before I tried it. And when they didn’t, that was my green light; we went out again the next day and I was the first to run to the ‘body cream’ shop.
When I finally had a taste, I understood what happened to Eve after she ate the fruit; it felt like someone hit the ‘increase volume’ button on all my five senses. I was glad for this new magic and I wanted to go out and get it every day, but my aunt, killjoy that she is, didn’t let me go out and squander all my money and wordly possessions on it. Soon, I had to move to a remote area of the country (It’s not even on the map. The expressway that runs through it is on Googlemaps, but the town isn’t) and was cut off from my newly found love for a long time. One day, someone in the village (yes, that’s where I moved to) woke up and said they had Ice cream for sale. I ran out there like Yemi in Yemi My Lover ran after Moji (basically like a ridiculously thirsty lover. Except that one thirsted after Mammywater) only to get there and find diluted Fanta on ice. Needless to say, my heart was broken, but I took the diluted Fanta like a real G.
Another time, someone else came and gave my fragile heart hope, but alas, it was only FanYogo. I had started to think I would not find my love and again when one, day, one fateful day, it happened.
You know those days when you just sit and wonder what life is about? Yes, I was having one of those. What is this life? I thought. Is it a pot of beans or a cold meat pie like people say? Or is it a pot of Iru flavoured Ogi slowly cooking over the fire? I turned these questions and more over in my mind, but I couldn’t come up with a satisfactory answer. My dad had gone out previously and he returned with a bowl of magic. People, I’m telling you, the moment I licked the cream off that spoon, all my questions ceased.
See, life is hard. Life can be very challenging. Life will bring you ups, downs, highs and lows. Life will give you curve balls and sometimes even kick you when you’re down. Things change and people leave, but you know one thing that is constant? It is the goodness of Ice cream. Ice cream is there when you’re celebrating and when you’re howling along to Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’. Ice cream picks up the shattered pieces of your heart and holds it together in its creamy preciousness. It will never forsake you, thick or thin. Did you know, that Ice cream makes the world go round? That it is the lubricant that prevents friction on this spherical, terrestrial ball? That it is the glue that holds this earth together? You didn’t? Well, now you do. Ice Cream is the answer to all life’s questions. The solution to all life’s problems: algebra, trigonometry, quadratic equations, world peace, global warming, Kim-Jong-What’s-his-face, the UK bond, GEJ, you just name it. There is no problem a bowl of Ice Cream cannot solve.
And then I found out that I could have it in different flavours; Rum, and Baileys, oh dear Lord, Baileys. When Baileys Chocolate Ice cream spreads over your tongue, it feels like a slow, sensual body rub; all your nerve endings will abandon other duties and pay attention to the mind-alteringly delicious sensation that is spreading through them. You’ll still be grinning several hours later and you’ll just calm down and never get upset at what anyone does. And the toppings! Kuli Kuli sprinkles is my new favourite kind (I kid. Or not).
I have to warn you though, much like the evil person who sold me diluted Fanta as Ice cream, there are others out there who try to sell you rubbish in the name of Ice cream. For example, if you want to know what affliction tastes like frozen, or if you want to get a feel for the unrest in the Middle East, go out and buy a bowl of Supreme Ice Cream. Others will try to sell you cups of substances (I can only call them substances) that are more Ice than cream. I suffered and kissed a lot of frogs, but I finally found my love again.
So, are you happy? Celebrate with Ice Cream. Are you sad? Eat Ice Cream. Depressed or angry? Ice Cream is the answer. Having a rough day or boss giving you a hard time? Ice Cream is the messenger of peace. Do you have questions plaguing your mind? Eat some more Ice Cream. Are you afraid the world will end soon? Ice Cream will assure you. Are you now fat and unable to move from all the Ice cream you’ve had? Very good; eat more Ice Cream. Never, ever let go of your cream. Never.